Today I am emotionless even though my tears hit the black pavement. I tell myself that I can feel nothing. Don't ask me why or how just know that this is where I stand. I hope for the best, most of the time but I know just like the others before me that its time to let go. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and say goodbye to everything we once were. You can't hurt me now for I am emotionless. I keep a straight face and try to exit my frame of thought and move on to a different subject in my mind. Life is to short I tell myself time and time again. I remind myself that holding on to you will never satisfy me. A leaf falls from a branch. I watch the tree let it go as if it were me holding on to you. Its my turn. Sorry daddy.
So get this.... Long time ago I started dating cheston having no idea he was one of my friends x's. But it was cool with her in the end so no biggy. And now she is dating my x Johnathan Carothers. Okay. Johnathan is buying a new CBR600 and cheston is getting his in two weeks. Funny how things work that way right. Then come to find out they have been friends at school this entire time and neither one of us girls knew it. So in two weeks we are all going biking together. That will be an interesting day. HAHAHAHA
Yesterday I tried to put a dress on my daughterso she could go to the fair and she screamed and me got out her cowgirl boots and her shorts. My daughter went to the fair with her mee maw and pawpaw they went to look at the cows and insted of saying moo like a little kid would do. She made a really serious face and let out a huge MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. yep thats my daughter. Then after all that the daycare said she refussed to take her cowgirl boots off at nap time. LOL just like mommy used to be.
I am so very happy right now. Cheston and I have been looking for a new place ever since our bitch lady nebior decided it would be okay to yell at my daughter. I think we found something. Its 3 bedroom 2 full baths a huge kitchen, fireplace, all hard wood floors with carpet in the bedroom and a fenced in back yard. IT IS PERFECT! I love it. Things are definatly getting better for us. Cheston and I are getting motorcycles here in a couple weeks. I can't wait to finally be able to park a lot easier at school. Not to mention I may be one of the only girls on campus with a sports bike. :) I am okay with that though.
I don't know if I am more excited or nervous. Oh I talked to UAMS the other day and asked if they would excpet my nursing degree to finish off med school they said YES! So I have to keep a 3.7 grade average which shouldn't be to hard since this is something that I really want. My four year goal is to graduate with my nursing degree and cheston with his graphic design degree. Move to littlerock/Bryant. Cheston will hopefully be working and I will be working part time and going to med school to study medician. I will finally do something amazing with my life.
Being a teen mom didn't ruin anything, It made me work harded so I could provide the best for my daughter. So far I have done just that. I am so proud of myself. There are not alot of other teen moms out there that could say that. I have provided her with everything her little heart desires except another baby. HAHA but we will get to that eventually. MAYBE NEXT YEAR...... MMMAAAAYYYBBBEEE depending on if we get that house or not. :) I am so happy that my daughter looks up to me and loves me just as much as I love her.
I hate when people get in my business. One of the reason I have never trusted any girls because of this. They are all bitchy. I hate girls that are oblivious too. The ones who will stay with a guy no matter how many times that guy cheats and lies. Girls who let guys walk all over them for no damn reason. Oh wait there is always the excuse "because I love him." that is my favorite. The girls who are oblivious have low self esteem and like to walk all over the other girls who have more class. Most of the times these girls never even notice the fact that their so called man is sleeping around cause they don't care as long as they have him there
Bitches- The girls who love to start drama and continue to keep drama going for years at a time. Girls who enjoy to try to ruin your life. Only because they think your a threat. Yet again low self esteem
Class- Girls who don't really care what bitches think at all. Enjoy when you try to bring up drama
I ain't nothin special. At least that is how I feel lately. I feel like a robot doin the same thing every single day. I wake up take care of rylee, feed rylee, Put her down for a nap, feed her, play with her, give her a bath and go to bed. I don't really feel like I am doing anything again with my life. I guess that's just me though. I haven't eaten any meat in a while now. And I have actually lost a considerable amount of weight. Although my husband doesn't notice. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows I exist. I mean I know he tries to show me that he cares and that he loves me. I just don't notice at least that's what he says. I feel like we don't even talk anymore. I mean we are together 24/7 and he says there is nothing to talk about. But I just wish he would spend a little time with me I mean he might not have a lot to say but I do. Its like were not even together sometimes. Like I make him breakfast then make mine and I'll sit down and eat with him and he gets up and goes to the other room. I don't know what's with us lately. Its just difficult I guess. Rylee has become so obsessed with nemo I swear I have the whole movie memorized I got tangled today hoping that might change her mind but of coarse not. Lets see yesterday I got stood up by one of my only friends that are still here in Russellville and that hurt pretty damn bad cause I don't really have friends at all. Cheston's not even here tonight because he is with his friends. I mean I ask if I can go out all the time but then I think about it and where am I gonna go. See a movie by myself or something. I don't know. I just feel alone tonight. It Sucks Seriously.
Today I went to town to turn in some paper work for my new job at friendship. I start next week and I am very excited. I will be working 7 hours a day Monday through Friday and I finally got a job that will give me decent benefits. That's new for me I haven't had insurance for a while now. Times are getting hard for the family though. I like to pretend that everything is fine even though its not. I'm glad I got a job though. Today I also dug up enough change to get a pizza I have been craving. I've been trying to go vegetarian although it is hard. Today I probably broke the rules because all they had was sausage pizza. :/ Its kinda muggy here today makes me feel cold. I guess you get used to that though since winter has only begun. I am trying to make time for myself to get away for a little while everyday and get a little breather from life, from being a mom and whatever else I can It's hard but somehow I will manage. I miss my friends a lot. I don't really have to money or gas to see any of them though. Hopefully that will change. But tomorrow is another day and you never know what tomorrow might bring.
I can't tell you why I am the way I am I'm just that way. I love your smile and I don't know why. Your kiss gives me that reach for the stars over fence world series kinda stuff ya know. I don't why I ever post on here I always feel like I am talking to myself or something. But sometimes that's a good thing right? I hate when people judge me. For having a kid, not eating my vegetables, for being in love. I am happy that I am by his side. Weather he knows it or not I love him. I'm happy that I am married and I am sad that I can't start over with him again. Our relationship has been rocky. But it has brought us here. To where we are finally somewhat happy. Yes right now I am living at home with my daughter and my husband, We only have one car, neither one of us have jobs, we don't have much money, but were happy. Only because we are together. I love my daughter and him. I love my life. especially knowing that we are going to be on our own feet soon. And as soon as I get there we are planning on having another baby. I hope its a boy I will name him after my brothers Hayden and Corey His name is going to be Cayden Charlie Johnson. I am ready to start over I am ready to begin something new. I just hate how when something good happens something bad usually happens too. I don't want to loose my grandma so I keep hoping that she will be okay. Then I remind myself everyone has to go at one point in time ready or not.